Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly believe this! I feel so lucky! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly suspect that even in my wildest AA meetings, I never would have fantasized that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other brilliant nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your plastic surgery makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was not the mother, I just had to take a minute and scoff about how generous my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap

You know, there are so many ass-kissing two-faced harpies to thank! First off though, I want to blackball the senile old bats of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Vishnu, for being such a powerful force in my kitchen. And to the US Supreme Court, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the illegitimate children I sired - I couldn't have done it without you!